beginnings

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

These words replay in my mind as I sit here and type.

Beginnings--in my life I've pretty much always tied "a fresh start" to the start of the school year in September.  Different teachers. Different courses.  Sharpened pencils.  New Pink Pearl erasers.  Pristine copybooks. Non-ragged folders.  Unblemished academic records.

I probably relate more to the school year's beginning than I do the traditional new year because I'm more of an academic at heart.

Yes, as an adult I should place emphasis on the new calendar year as marking a new beginning: calendars fee of engagements,  resolutions, chances to do things differently.

2008 was a challenging year on many levels, and I'm very glad it's over.

Endings--I lost someone that I loved very much.   I find myself still working through missing that person.  With everything that dies lately--even something so insignificant as a hamster--I find myself not coping real well.

On "losing" other people that I cared about, i.e., having my feelings being trashed by someone that became a part of my daily life, is still disconcerting.  However, I'm healing.  I seem to take more time getting over a broken heart these days, too.  Over the last few weeks I noticed that I feel better about myself; when someone you care about gives every excuse in the book not to see you in person, but then finds time to see other people, well, it becomes easy to think it's because you're flawed or repulsive.  However, in re-reading e-mails that he sent me, I noticed that even from the very beginning we were never on the same page.  I wanted to spend in-person time, and he really only wanted to talk on the phone when it was convenient for him--even if his convenience came before 5 a.m. He didn't respect my needs--even my most basic need for sleep. I was never satisified with what he was offering because I am worth spending time with. I shouldn't have to always be the one suggesting to get together.  I shouldn't have dealt with rejection on a daily basis.  I feel much better about myself--no longer do I feel inferior.  I hope the people he chose over me to spend time with have the same wonderful qualities that I bring to a friendship.

Tomorrow is the first day of work in the new year; I am not looking forward to what the new year has in store for my company.  We'll see how that goes.