Finding the Balance

My parents are celebrating some of their 35th wedding anniversary early by spending time together in Bermuda at Grotto Bay. Their real anniversary trip will be to Italy in the fall. This trip is just a gift from my Dad to my Mom because he didn't take her to the Jersey shore the last two years.

I've been thinking a lot about my parents' marriage lately--perhaps because of my own failure with marriage and relationships.

I often watch them interact, and I am amazed at how in sync they are with one another. While working on a project together, each anticipates the other's needs. They move in a rhythm all of their own, and they dance through their daily chores. One washes; the other dries. One wipes the table; one sweeps the floor. One weedwacks; the other mows. When washing windows, my Mom does the blinds and curtains, and my Dad washes the panes and sills. They are happy just being together.

I want that dance; I want to have that feeling that you are part of something bigger than the sum of two parts.

So I often sit back, like I am now stuck in work because the rainstorm is a bit too heavy for me to navigate the Schuylkill, and wonder "Why Not Me."

I can be a difficult personality, I think, because I am moody. However, there's a lot of depth to my moodiness, and actually a lot of solid underlying reasons besides that fact that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

I bring a lot to the table of a relationship, and sometimes I find myself amazed that I am not in one. I am loving and giving (except, you know, it's going to me more about me and my needs now). I'm spontaneous and sexy--there should be men lined up at my door just wanting to be in a relationship with me. Instead, I get offers of one night stands from men who no more make my toes curl than, well...my job engages my brain and creativity. There's a gentleness in me, too, but also a strength.  I fight for who and what I believe in with tenacity.

I want to be respected; I don't want to be a sperm receptacle for one night. I deserve more. And in not settling for less, you would think my self confidence would soar. I've find quite the opposite is true.

I look at my coworkers who brag about meeting people on Match.com and sleeping with them on the first date. I wonder what my problem is. I know I'm not repressed, but maybe I am on some level. For me, sex is usually a lot more than a physical act. I want the person to know me; I want to give the gift of myself in the acts that I perform. I want there to be some meaning to them, because other than that, well, it's just like a prostitute doing a job.  I don't have to be in love with the person and vice versa, but shouldn't we at least be friends on some level?

I wonder why I don't have that grand passion, that person who thinks that I am so special and unique that they can't wait to spend time with me. I want somebody who wants to talk to me and hear my ideas as well as somebody who wants to make love to me. I seem to have friends who like to talk and then acquaintances who want one thing from me. I just can't seem to find the balance between the two.